Sweat Betul

Someone please do the honor of killing me now please T_______T cause I’m having the worst period cramp in the whole wide world and I really feel like my life is flashing right before my eyes now. I hate this time of the month cause I always get VERY SUPER DUPER bad cramps, those type that make you stop doing whatever you’ve been doing and feel like you just want to curl up in a corner and die that kind.

Haih I know, take the primrose oil or something but it didn’t work for me! The only thing that worked were the birth control pills but my mom didn’t let me take those anymore so now I’m back to suffering like crazy every month. I used to cry in school because of my cramps (yes they were and still are really that bad!) and not go to school at all. I had a very bad one few months ago and had to curl on my bed and cry softly and shanshan thought I was gonna die wtf

Seriously I hate being a girl lah! (I say the same things every month to anyone who would listen, albeit involuntarily) And the worst part is my cramps are usually 3 days long BEFORE my period, 4 days long DURING my period and nothing after my period la if after period still got that means I get cramps half the month wtf damn sad case that one.

So back to my long tirade on how I hate being a girl. Damn suck right guys will never ever understand our pain ok T__T Whenever I complain to my boyfriend and if I want to make him understand how painful it truly is, I’ll threaten to kick his balls wtf but I swear it hurts more than being kicked in your balls ok! I’ve described this very vividly in my blog before but it was a long time ago so let me paint the picture for you again.

It feels as if like your whole goddamn uterus is gonna fall out piece by piece and you’ll feel this suction or pulling sensation which is not pleasing at all T___T Not only that, you feel as if your uterus is being ripped out AND someone is kicking you from the outside right where your womb is seriously it’s 23952 times more painful than what I just described! If you don’t believe please go take something hard and knock it on your balls and multiply that pain by 10603 and divide by 3 no lah kidding wtf

Everytime when it hurts so bad until I can’t stand it anymore, I’ll go take the pink panadol that is meant for menstrual pain and now it doesn’t work anymore cause my body is used to it. Usually this cramp will hit me in waves one so now I feel it then 10 minutes later I’ll be fine and I won’t know when it’ll be back again (play peekaboo with me T__T) so if I feel it now and take the panadol, it’ll only be effective 10 minutes later which is when the pain will have been subsided anyway! Aiyah anyway it’s a very complicated issue la

And my PMS is the worst thing ever you do not EVER want to make me angry when I’m pms-ing. It’s not that I want to simply use pms as an excuse to my bad behavior wtf but it’s something I (and a lot other women) cannot control ok! It’s like asking guys to not touch a naked girl wtf (good examples wei *pats self) so whenever you get annoyed at your girlfriend who screams at you for no reason please remember this example, that you wouldn’t be able to prevent yourself from touching a hot naked girl anyway.

it’s the same with us ok T_____T except that ours sometimes comes with the unwanted feeling of being punched in the stomach HAIH DAMN SAD TO BE A GIRL LA if you are a guy now please pray that you won’t be reincarnated as a girl la become a hamster in your next life also better can eat your own kid and lifespan only 2 years so you get another shot at being reincarnated as a rich guy! Hamsters damn nice lah everyday just eat kuaci and run on the wheel and be admired by people in pet shop and fornicate with random hamsters wtf and eat your kids and repeat cycle

ok goodnight pain is gone, for now T_T

p.s: eh on second thought i don’t want to be a guy cause they can’t control their hard-ons! i guess i rather get very bad cramps every month than be caught dead with an erection by my crush or GASP MY PARENTS WTF WTF

amidst all that flurry of packing our bedsheets and kettle and books and clothes and winter coats and all that taping up of boxes, writing our names and class, wrapping nice stuff in newspaper so no one will steal them, deciding which tops i should bring back, weighing my luggage, panicking about how everything is too heavy and that we wouldn’t have enough strength to lug them all up to the storage room 34810 miles away…..

heck my first year is over already.

it’s sinking into every part of me clearer than ever now. my first year in college is already over in a blink of an eye and as much as i wanted to just leave this place and just go back home, going back is the last thing i want now. having audrey, angela, shan shan and mild to get me through my first year made me wish to always have them all by my side until i graduate. but the party will be gone soon and there’ll only be the two of us next year.

i feel like i did so much the past year and learned so much, more than i could ever imagine and if i have a chance to do it all over again, i would. i just want to do all this all over again, and again, and never have to move on. i hated this place so much when i first came but i think i’ve grown to really love it. i just really don’t know how to love it as much when most of the people i love here won’t be here anymore. sigh.

this past week really summarized my entire first year. fun. crazy. hectic. fast. emo. happy. sad. too much worrying about nothing. loved. well-fed.
i don’t think i’m too excited about going home yet but i’ll try to be. i know i will be. plane food, in-flight movies, malaysian food, family, friends, jiameei, home, here i come.

–

p.s: i’m so proud of myself! since everyone is busy packing and throwing things out, i found my new favorite hang out place..the trash room wtf. i like to just go down there to see what’s free and yesterday, i collected a grand total of 5 things. free boxes to store my stuff (yay don’t have to buy!), huge sketch book to play pictionary/win lose or draw with (which i think is pretty useless now so i will have to just throw it away =( ), magazines whee!, a dust collector thingy and free bottles of water! yays! anything free is good ok bye

I’ve always been battling with weight issues since I was young. As long as I can remember, I’ve never been thin before (like normal thin or thinner than normal). I’ve always been chubby or fat or slightly meaty and I hate it so much. I hate going to a relative’s house and hear the same old “wah fatter already!” or hear people calling me fat. When I was 12, I had a birthday party in my house and invited all my ‘close’ friends. Before they left, they sat in a circle and sang me a song. It went like this:

Suet li suet li sangat gemuk!! Selalu makan dan jadi semakin gemuk!!

In the tune of the mat kool mat kool kawanku song. I was 12, it was my birthday and I got humiliated by my friends in front of my other relatives. Everyone laughed and so did I but little did anyone know how hurt I was inside. I told myself that I’ll always always remember that day cause one day, I’ll be the thinnest of them all and I can in turn laugh at them back. (failed)

During the holidays when I was 12/13/14, we would stay with our grandparents. My grandma would always make maggi mee for my siblings at night when they were hungry and forbid me from touching any of it. She’d also force me to jump on the trampoline outside the house while watching them slurp their maggi inside T___T sometimes, when everyone was outside playing, she’d make me do the jumping rope thingy and she’d sit there and watch me jump my fats away. I hated trampolines and ropes ever since.

When I was 15, I told myself that I cannot let myself be the butt of all jokes anymore. Guys calling me wildboar was too cruel for me to bear so during the holidays, I willingly tried losing weight. I cycled up and down the hill everyday while singing to my heart’s content, I built a basketball ring and board with wires and wood and practiced my lay up everyday and I even use the dunno what rolling machine that will tone your abs. Then, I went back to school and started a basketball team and joined the school’s track team with one goal: lose as much weight as possible. So in that one year, I lost about 8kg.

Yeah so I’ve always had an issue with my weight. My biggest secret after the one about my imaginary bf is that I’ve always wanted to be anorexic. I wish that I can cut my food up and not eat it, that I’ll be thin as hell and yet still feel fat so nobody will ever say I’m fat anymore. But sadly it never happened. I did try cutting my food to a million pieces but ended up eating everything =.= I tried hardcore exercise but always ate a lot after that so haih plan failed.

I swear I have superpower ok and my power is that I have a stomach made of steel..worst power ever. Aud told me when she gets diarrhea, she’ll lose a lot of weight and I’ve been waiting for the day I get diarrhea but either my stomach is way too strong or even if I do get diarrhea, I don’t lose weight at all. My bro has worms so he’s always thin and I always wish I’m the one with the worms instead but haih worms also lose to my stomach T__T

I’ve tried leftovers, spicy food, dirty food, accidentally ter-ate my nose shit (WTF DON’T ASK) but I will never get diarrhea lor! I only had food poisoning once in my life but I recovered 3 hours after that. When I got the worst fever in my life, I couldn’t eat for a week and yet I didn’t lose any weight.

So anyway why am I talking about all this cause I just found out an orange has 70 calories each T_________________________________________T and I just ate 6 oranges again today seriously I’m destined to never be thin. Yalah I know everyone sure damn unhappy cause I’m complaining even though I don’t look fat but that’s only cause obviously I won’t post unflattering pictures of myself. You have no idea how truly big my tummy is even after all that years of hardcore exercising. And my stupid ribcage and bones are so big until dunno what so I can never have a slim stature ok T_T

The worst thing is today when I finally weighed myself after a month of going to gym 3/4 times a week and eating less, I found out that I gained weight T_____T how is this possible you tell me is someone playing some sort of funny game on me ah! *memories of suet li suet li sangat gemuk and jumping on trampoline flooding back wtf T___T

I give up lah sigh I’ll just do whatever I want and weigh whatever lah I don’t care anymore! This battle with my weight is officially over! *lies to self wtf

I really just wanna be slim is that too much to ask for! I don’t wanna be meaty and yet so flat and have no curves! If meaty and well-endowed and got curves then nevermind la this one all also don’t have got one big lump which is my tummy only sigh.

*anticlimactic ending cause too sleepy already

Today, we had our romantic dinner for two to commemorate our 40th month anniversary =) Haiya sorry I know we’re kinda mushy but I like the idea of celebrating every month just for the fun of it. Back home, we used to go out for dinner or do fun things on the 12th all the time! Be it eating in Pizza Uno where we met, mamak (oh murni ss2 I miss you so much!) or just an outing to Petroscience wtf, it’s still fun cause that way, we always look forward to the 12th so much!

Anyway, now that we’re miles and miles apart, we still really wanted to celebrate together and so we did!

Through Skype! Haha I took food from the dining hall (garlic bread and deep fried fish mmm) and he ordered lo mein from the chinese restaurant! =D

Lighting the candles =))))

Calling the waiter hahahha

waiter pouring water for us wtf

To show that I wasn’t naked! We were all dressed up cause fancy restaurant ma wtf

Feeding each other food =)

Drinking expensive wine wtf mmmm

Hahah Barry caught me eating with my leg up! Sorry lah like that very comfortable ok!

Paying for our meal hahahah god I love my boyfriend!

End of date =( Barry zooming off ala Superman after fetching me home wtf hahaha

Haih I miss him so much but it’s okay! We’ll meet again in exactly..17 days! I CAN’T WAIT BABYYYYY!

——–

I did a make up video! Haih but damn fail ok my accent kept switching between Malaysian and somewhat American wtf without my own will! Not like I damn wannabe and poser ok please try speaking to the webcam alone and you’ll hear all sorts of funny accents one!

Anyway I’ll think about it first and decide if I should post it up later lah. I basically just showed how I apply my makeup (very very simple!) and what kinda products I used (all super cheap one, below RM20 cause I’m stingy like that)

I know my makeup is not perfect or anything but I just wanna show that you can look good with cheap makeup too! Don’t have to use MAC or what lah silkygirl also can kautim the job already.

I spent an hour taking the video, an hour for our date, 2 hours to edit the video and 2 WHOLE HOURS trying to figure out how to use MAC!! GRR i hate mac seriously damn hard to use! No I didn’t buy Mac thank god but am using shanshan’s cause she needs to use my powerpoint. Haih 12.30am already and I hardly did anything school-related. Die die talk so much somemore haih byeeee!

oh p.s, plan A…….FAILED. T___T

Okay I know I’ve talked about this a million times now but I’m seriously very proud of this fact ok. Today, in -1 celcius, I walked out with only a tshirt, a pair of jeans and a jacket. I’m wearing what I will normally wear to the cinema/mall in Malaysia except that this is almost 20 degrees colder! Am I brave or am I super brave? wtf. So if I come back to Malaysia and keep complaining about the hot weather then it’s not my fault ok! You’ll probably see me in shorts and tank top everyday, even in cinemas and malls.

My bravery aside, I shall talk about my issue with money, again. Ya lah I’m sorry if this is the most important thing in my life ok. I mean, money is not THAT important until I will choose it over love etc but it’s important enough for me to choose it over my own happiness. One, I really hate it when people tell me how I should spend more cause there isn’t any point in saving all my money forever but what they don’t get is I’m not saving it till I die, I just don’t think I should spend it on stuff that isn’t that necessary lah.

The fact that I have money doesn’t mean I’m rich or I should just spend it what. Two, what I ABSOLUTELY hate is how people say I’m studying in the states = I am rich. I am so not ok! If I am then why would I struggle so much to get a scholarship? If I am do you think I’ll be as stingy as I am now? As if I like being stingy omg I obviously wish I can buy anything I want or travel to anywhere I want where got people like to be stingy one! As if I like hunting like crazy for clothes less than $10! If I can I wish I can just go into a shop and buy something without having to head straight to the sales section ok.

I really want to start paying my own tuition fees starting from next year and not ask from my parents instead ok. This is my own education, I don’t see why they should pay for it. I wish I can tell everyone to just please understand, I don’t like and I don’t want to be stingy, but I’m just thinking way ahead than I should. What if I don’t find a job after I graduate? Who’s gonna pay for my expenses while I hunt around for jobs? What if my first job only gives me enough money to eat? Where do I get the money to buy car/rent house/get married?

My two siblings can’t even go overseas cause my parents are already paying for mine, so I really really want to support them later ok. My dad has to work in a freaking far place and leave my family behind and only come back once in 4 months. All that just to pay for my college so how can I simply waste that money to spend on myself?! I’m damn emo now lah T____________T Please dont say I’m rich cause my dad is working in Dubai and cause I can afford to come to the states, I’m really not. I worked really hard to get this scholarship and I’m only paying what you pay in Malaysia too please please please don’t ever say I’m rich.

Shit lah fucking emo fucking emo fucking emo furcdkif fekeomowdmqfoqwor3.

–

Do you realize that when I’m not emo I use a lot of wtfs, when I’m emo one wtf also don’t have but got a lot of OKs. I sound like I’m trying to convince everyone about my emo-ness so keep saying ok? ok? ok? wtf

Ok lah I’m not emo anymore, came to my senses already wtf. Actually sometimes my stingy-ness also melampau already one. I have so many examples!

1. I will always squeeze my sentences in one line and if I have one extra word to write I’ll NEVER ever write into the next line lor! One line must be filled with at least 6 words wtf. Also, I will never skip one line, EVER. Unless if I really have to like to separate notes taken on different days.

pictorial evidence:

See, die die must write all in one line even if I have to put ^ and write above it wtf.

2. To save my highlighter, I will only highlight absolutely important stuff and will highlight the bottom of the words only.

3. For ’special’ pens, that are pens above 80 sen ones like those cool 0.4mm Pilot G2 (RM3.80 or so) or whatever, I will only use them to write very important stuff like my name wtf. My most expensive pen which is like RM5 or what lah, the super fine ink type, is still with me after 5 years. And I only used 1/4 of it in the last 5 years! That’s the amount of ink used to write my name in exams/books for 5 years wtf.

I know I’m a freak wtf

Dear friend,

Last Sunday, you turned 20 something. No, it’s not cause I don’t remember exactly how old you are, but it’s because it doesn’t even matter at all. What matters more is the fact that you’ll be graduating this year and forevermore be apart from me.

After these few months, there won’t be any silly trips to Saujana to camwhore, trip to the beach, trip to Giant to work together, trip to your house to watch dramas together, trip to Tze’s house with you in the car, trip to the mall here, trip to your room almost everyday, trip to across the campus just cause I wanted to watch Macbeth which we almost fell asleep 10 mins into it and left as soon as there was an intermission, trip to further away across the campus for some flea market thing which I wanted to go so badly too but we left after 2 secs cause all they had were granny used panties wtf, trip to the only party I went to last year, trip to all that clubbing sessions (although only twice wtf)..

Dear best friend,

Do you know that you are the sole reason I’m still alive in this place? You were also the reason why I chose this college. Whoa, two so very important choices in my life; my college and my death wtf.

Sigh, I don’t know how things will be in months to come. Who else can I speak to about every single minute details of my life? (aside from your brother of course, you Ooi siblings!) Who else do I turn to when I feel so excited every time I see that cute lesbian (seriously wtf), or who do I go to with all that recent gossip I just heard? Who can I speak Msian accent with? Who will I camwhore with? Who will say “god must have spent a little more time on us” when I ask why are we so pretty and smart? Who can I be so absolutely shameless and honest with?

Dear sister,

Although it’s hard to tell who really should be the elder one instead, I really think that I do treat you as my sister. The elder sister I never had, the younger sister whom I will always protect.

Do you know how much we went through together? From enemies who never wanted to say hi to each other, from a humble enemy who called the other up to say sorry (the reason why we are friends today, perhaps?), from a stubborn and shy me who didn’t want to hang out with you, from watching Click and The Devil Wears Prada when your brother left, from acting like silly monkeys and ghosts (videos we will never show to the outside world wtf), from missing not one train, but THREE trains together (ah, the Great Trip to Singapore That Never Happened story), from finding two more members to join us in our club, from the long distance relationship we had when you were in Japan, from the great summer we had when you came back, from ALLLL that to who we are today, haven’t we been through a hell lot?

To the smallest girl I know

To the girl with the nicest hair

To the girl I couldn’t stop staring at since we first met

To the smartest girl I know

To the girl who always makes an effort to patch up after a fight

To the girl with the best sense of humor

To the girl who does the best imitation of a leech

To the girl who still stands strong even though she collects trash for a living

To the girl I can never be mad at

To the girl who means so much to me

To the girl who influenced me in ways she will never know

To my friend, my best friend, my sister, and my princess

Happy Birthday.

I have the biggest dilemma of all dilemmas. You see, I have a boyfriend of 3 years (and 2 months this coming Tues!) and we’re so happily in love..when we’re not arguing. Anyway the arguments are not the problem cause I like it when we argue. So the other day we ran out of things to talk about (yes finally, after so long wtf), so we discussed this topic in great depth.

“Is it really possible to stay and love one person..for the rest of your life?”

If we do end up getting married when I am say, 27, we would have been together for 10 years then. 10 years + forever = a very awfully long time, isn’t it? I know if you do love each other then a very awfully long time seems like bliss but can love really do that? Can love really make up for I dunno..boredom? It just seems kind of scary to me, to date someone for 10 years and then spend your whole life with him.

How does it feel to live all your life with one person, wishing you’d met more people instead? Will I then regret for the rest of my life? Barry said maybe we should date around first and go back to each other later but then what if one of us finds someone better and the other one doesn’t?!???

Sigh this is truly such a big dilemma, Thelma. I don’t know why so many people wrote to you telling you about how he likes this girl but he’s too shy yadda yadda when there is a much bigger dilemma than that (like mine). I wanted to write to Big Bro too but he usually only get stupid dilemmas like how this guy couldn’t stop wanking everywhere he goes (trust me when I say everywhere..when he sees a hot girl in a mall, he’ll wank in the toilet etc eww) so I think my problem is too serious for him to handle.

I know what are you going to say. You are going to tell me to stay with him forever right? Is your name really Thelma anyway?

Tell me everyone, what should I do! Actually this is such a stupid question with no answer wtf. I put this as my personal message on MSN and got a somewhat neutral response. Some people said yes they believe that it’s possible and some said no and asked me not to be stupid wtf. Oh well, we’ll see.

–

For CNY, I didn’t do much but I was happy enough cause on Day 1, we had fried rice which was really good! On Day 2 we had something like sweet and sour chicken which was sooo good too! On Day 3 we had Kung Po chicken which was good too. Those are the most chinese thing we can get here sigh.

And on Day 3 of CNY, I webcam-ed with my friends back home!

All of them =DD I was so happy!

Cibai..showed me angpows T____T Jess’ mom gave me one through the webcam hahaha but Jess is gonna keep for me till May.

We got bored after a while so we rolling our eyes wtf.

Them gambling while I watch in envy wtf. Sighhhh but it’s ok I’m happy enough to see them and have them see me too. Such is the wonder of technology =)

I miss everyone back home!!! Please wait for me to come back!

Queen Suet says:
tomorrow!!
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
gasp!
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARYYYYYYY
Queen Suet says:
YESSSSSSSSSSS
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
HOW MANY YEARS EDI?
Queen Suet says:
I DUNNOOOO
Queen Suet says:
1?
Queen Suet says:
2?
Queen Suet says:
U TELL ME!!
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
NOOOOOOOO
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE WTF
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
MORE THAN 2
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
LESS THAN 4 WTF
Queen Suet says:
OH 2.5?!?!?!?1
Queen Suet says:
RIGHT!?!?!?
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
IT WAS A TOUGH ONE, YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT WTF
Queen Suet says:
HAHAHHAHHAH WTF
Barry Ooi Eu Hock says:
i love you suet
Queen Suet says:
i love you too babyyyy

Are we not the most sohai couple you’ve ever seen wtf. Anywayyy this is supposed to be a super extra damn kao emo entry so everyone, stop laughing/smiling/giggling and start crying now ok!

1st year post, 2nd year post.

I already talked about how we met in my first year post but if you didn’t read me back then and are too lazy to read the post, it’s okay cause being the overly emo person that I am, I’m gonna write about it again.

They say love at first sight does not exist but it happened to me. Of all people, Cupid picked me. I was but a lost soul, staggering around in a restaurant taking orders from impatient customers, running back and forth to the kitchen with hands full of plates and a smile perpetually plastered on my face. Smile like you mean it! My manager used to say. I am, M’am, I AM!

And so that day it was for me. I was smiling like I truly absolutely completely meant it, but my arms had betrayed me and had gone weak and so I told all the other servers that I’ll be taking orders from now on. They protested but I won eventually cause I’m a girl and girls are supposed to kick ass like that. So it was the 12th of December 2004, a Sunday, and there I was trying to earn an honest income during my Form 4 holidays when I met the love of my life. Of all places, it was in a restaurant and of all people, it was me, the waitress and him, the customer.

Cupid, did you really mean to strike that arrow deep in my chest, or was it meant for someone else? Did you miscalculate the velocity and distance of the fatal blow or were your eyes really on me?

I went up to him after his dinner with his family and chatted casually. Later that night, he found me on friendster (thank god for friendster) with the only tidbit of info that I gave during our chat, my school’s name. He sent me an impressive message saying that he was the guy whom I served lasagna to and I was like wtf I serve 12167 lasagnas a day but after that, we clicked right on. Before this, I’d been dating people who were wayyy below my league. Guys who can barely speak English, guys who were stupider than they look, guys who try too hard to be all that. So when I finally found a guy who shared the same sense of humor, who spoke wayyy better English than I do, I did the stupidest thing ever.

I asked if he would like to watch the sun rise with me, after only 4 days of chatting with him, with no clue about where he lives/where he’s from/who he really is/what his surname is/if he has a dog. He said ok he would love to and he came to fetch me later around 5am.

I know smack me in the head! I dunno why! I guess it was cause my parents went to Korea and it was absolute freedom for me and I just didn’t know how to deal with such freedom. Kids, do not attempt such an act ever ok. You only get one shot in life and 9.99/10 times, you’re most likely to meet a weirdo/rapist/serial killer than the love of your life.

And I guess I got lucky again. So we met, we talked, and it was extremely enjoyable. The intended purpose of the excursion was defeated cause amidst all that excitement of telling my whole life story to a complete stranger, the sun rose behind us without us knowing it. =.= Anyway after that date, he asked if I’d like to watch planes take flight with him and the adventurous me said YES cause if he didn’t rape me the first time, why would he do it the second time riiiight? wtf. So off we go to KLIA and again, we talked so much that we missed the turn to klia and landed up in negri sembilan wtf. A completely different state =.= why are we so sohai even from we first met!

Determined to watch the planes take flight, we took a u-turn all the way back to Subang and then to KLIA again. Hello Uncle Ooi, sorry your son wasted so much money on petrol wtf. He was but a lost soul..wtf. So we reached KLIA and found the perfect spot cleverly named “the rooftop garden”. It was a beautiful night and the stars were all out so we just stood there looking at planes and stars and talked again for like..3 hours wtf.

At one point, I started telling him about how one of my exes almost raped me and I said LISTEN TO THIS WTF I ALMOST DIED LAUGHING THINKING ABOUT IT. I said quote I don’t know if I’m able to love again unquote and LISTEN TO THIS HAHAHHA as if what I said wasn’t stupid enough, he replied..ok cis he doesn’t want me to tell the whole world for fear of losing his macho status wtf so sorry everyone looks like you have to die not knowing what he said =(

And then we kissed the end wtf. It was really sweet cause we were both waiting for it to happen for the past 3 hours and when it did, it was almost magical. The stars seemed to shine brighter than ever, the planes seemed to have stopped roaring, the world stopped moving and time seemed to have stopped.

After that, I guess we just considered ourselves a couple without all that “will you couple with me” thing HAHAH nostalgia nostalgia. Who would’ve thought that two people who met at a most unlikely place would last so long eh? Well we didn’t expect it to turn out this way too but we’re not complaining!

So to my boyfriend, my best friend, my soul mate and the love of my life,

Happy 3rd. I love you. I love you I love you I love you.

I want to go through life with you, I want to grow old with you, I want you to hold my hands with every step I take, and I want to be there holding your hands in return. We complement each other so well that it seems almost impossible to find someone else for us. So I want to thank you. Thank you for loving me, thank you for not giving up on me when I was difficult, thank you for not giving up on this relationship, and thank you for not letting the distance kill us. You already gave me the best 3 years of my life, why not another 3 more? and 10 more? and 50 more?

I’m going to tell you how much I love you every single minute of the day until you get sick of it.

And then I’ll tell you some more.

Dear diary,

Today isn’t such a bad day, no it isn’t bad at all. Yesterday was perfectly alright, and the day before yesterday seemed fine too. I don’t know what’s wrong and maybe nothing is wrong at all. Then, why do I keep feeling like something is? Why does that feeling of something is seriously wrong keep tugging at me, keep pulling me away from everything, keep asking me to listen to it? I am now, so tell me what’s wrong?

The whole world is listening now, so tell them what’s wrong.

But it couldn’t. It kept its mouth shut, its hands tied, its words all jumbled in a labyrinth. It is telling me to tell everyone that some things are not just as apparent as they seem. It wants me to tell you that maybe not every problem has a solution and it wants me to tell the whole wide world to just please leave it alone.

But no, I don’t want to leave it alone, diary. It’s killing me inside inch by inch just thinking about it. I know there is a perfect term for it but I just couldn’t seem to pinpoint what exactly. Could it be depression? But why? I am almost perfect if not for my lack of height and size of mammary. I am the luckiest girl I know and I think I have everything I could have ever dreamed of. So why depression?

Maybe it’s not even depression I’m looking for. Maybe it’s something more complicated that scientists and wise men have yet to discover. Maybe it’s nothing at all.

The snow is falling again. The urge is calling again. I want to release myself from this web of intricacies so so bad, diary. One leap is all it takes to be freed from this wheel of life. One small step and the tiniest energy one could muster.

And that’s all it takes to be free again.

But no, wait, what about the hundreds of people who know me? What will they think of an act so selfish and thoughtless? Will they still think of me as the girl they once knew, or will they cringe in shame for this girl lying flat on the pavement? All tangled in her own limbs, not breathing, blood seeping from her wounds into the snow, into the cracks of the floor, dried up forever.But you know, diary, I think lying there like that is not as pathetic or gruesome as people might think it is. Come to think of it, it is really peaceful and serene. Amidst all that whiteness, amidst all that screams of horror, and then there’s me. Me lying face up staring at everyone in the world. Me being enveloped by the snow. It’s my element, do you know that?

Tick tock. I don’t have time to waste anymore.

Goodbye diary. The world is all white and pure now. Let me leave before it turns ugly again.

–

highly fictional.

I’m in my boyfriend’s place now and all is well and dandy. I’m very happy and so is he and we’re all very happy and joyful and we’re now a couple in a bubble full with joy, happiness and everything nice.
I know I’ve said this like a million times but whenever we meet again after months and months of not seeing each other, everything seems so worth it. All that fighting and arguing and slamming the phone and missing each other like crazy seem so freaking worth it for just one moment; the moment we both lay our eyes on each other in the airport, hug, kiss, and all goes well and dandy like that.

It was the same ol’ same ol’ yesterday. Same ol’ jitters and nervousness in the plane (and this time I’m the one who got on the plane! I’m usually the one who receives him at the airport) Same ol’ butterflies in my stomach and toes, same ol’ hair brushing, make-up applying, clothes tugging in a frenzy. I want to look perfect for the one guy I love so much but I guess after not seeing each other for 3 months, everything about us will seem perfect no matter how ugly we look.

I asked him if I gained 15 pounds, would he still pretend I didn’t and not say anything about it? He said No, he’ll walk away and tell his host dad that he didn’t see me and they should go back immediately =.= I guess we won’t be thaaat perfect after all wtf. But anyway all is well cause I didn’t gain 15 pounds and he didn’t get uglier wtf.

Seriously, I loveeee how it feels. The first kiss, the first hug, the first everything. I love how time seems to stop to accommodate these two crazy people who are so so in love with each other. I love how we cherish every single moment now cause after 1 week, it’ll all be gone and we have to go through all that arguing, missing each other and phone slamming again. This week is our week and no one’s gonna say no to that. We’re gonna act as love sick as we want. We’re gonna be the love-sickest puppies you’ve ever seen. We’re gonna look as if we just got together and we are NOT gonna argue.

We already held pinkies to that promise.