Sweat Betul

I am so scared! A million and one things are running through my head now and I can’t seem to stop them (cause they’re running! hahaha wtf). So worried that I won’t be strong enough to lug my huge luggage from the airport to the bus station after 35 hours of flying, and not fast enough to catch the next bus and end up going back to my college late and wouldn’t have enough time to carry 14 boxes back from the storage room and will be too jetlagged to attend classes the next day!

Lesson number 1. Never ever try to save money ever again. I tried to get the cheapest flight and ended up having to fly to Boston and now I have to take two buses from there to get back to college! Bah!

Lesson number 2. Always fly back earlier! I’ll only reach the day before class starts cause I totally forgot about all that moving back my stuff from storage and jetlag and I thought I wanted to spend more time at home. Look how stressful it is now =(

I am also very scared cause I don’t know if I will ever find people who are like me and end up not having friends T__T I had Aud and Angie and Shanshan and Mild before this so I didn’t really bother making friends (and I cannot get along well with americans at all!) but now..I’ll be all alone T__T

Fuck lah I knew I should have pretended to like those people from China at least I won’t be so lonely now wtf..but they are like..a complete different breed ok =( and they always speak chinese not like malaysian chinese but like those ching chong ma chinese wtf.

Although I thought my chinese is quite good, I couldn’t even converse with them at all. Besides, I don’t want to always speak chinese cause later the americans think we’re talking about them how!

I am so scared to go back to my room alone too =( I don’t like looking around to find noone in the room but me and if I find something funny on youtube or something then I got noone to show it to =((( What if I go mad! What if I start talking to myself or create an imaginary friend for myself!!!

Hmm if I do create an imaginary friend I want to name him Zach, short for Zachary, which also happens to be the name of my imaginary boyfriend wtf. And we can do all sorts of fun things best friends so, like go shopping in Forever 21 and cook together and talk about our isi hati wtf

HOW LA WEI why was I so anti-social! See la lazy to make friends some more! Haih I feel sooo lazy when it comes to making small talks with people you have zero things in common with lor!

It’s 2am now and I have to wake up around 6.30 since my flight is at 9.30am but I can’t sleep! Cause I’m so worried and stressed and scared!

What if I don’t find anyone I can hang out with! Then I have to be one of those losers who eat alone everyday?? Or have to tapau food back to my room and eat while watching drama (actually I was already like this last time omg why am I such a loser T_T eh not everytime la sometimes only!)

Anyway I’m gonna write a looooong post since I can’t sleep cause heart filled with anxiety wtf. What have I done this summer..well I think this is a really good summer cause I felt like I did so many things!

1. Went to the gym religiously for a month! I went to the gym around 4 times a week for a month ok cause wanna make the most out of my money which was only rm15 la wtf. Anyway I think I didn’t get slimmer or anything but I sure felt a lot more confident about my body. Go to gym, people!

2. Ate so much! Wah I’m surprised I didn’t gain much weight lor! I think…cause I haven’t weighed myself in ages

3. Attended so many events! I’m going to miss all that nuffnang events T____T free movies, free food, free gifts

4. Completed a pretty good internship! Although I always had nothing to do one wtf everyday will either blog or read blogs or go icanhascheezburger wtf

5. Went to so many places! Redang and Penang only actually but felt like a lot

6. Got so much closer to all my friends. Sigh can I ship everyone back to US with me =(

7. Spent every. single. day. with my boyfriend. I’ve never felt happier =D

My life is so perfect in Malaysia so why did I choose to leave all that behind and go back to the gloomiest and loneliest place in the world! What if I sacrifice my perfect life for a good education and end up being a housewife wtf

Eh my entry so long you all got read every word or not! I write every word with so much tender loving care, better read everything ok! What if my plane crash wtf (CHOI TAI KA LAI SI) then you’ll never read anything I write again =(

ok if you read until here means you got read everything so I shall reveal one secret about me! Last time when I was 6, I got caned by my grandma cause I didn’t wear underwear to school WTF cause you know when you’re young you don’t wear panties one then suddenly have to wear then very uncomfortable ma! Then my grandma found out and asked me “lu boh cheng teh ko ah?? you didn’t wear panties ar WTF” then she caned me damn pain T_T

I think I better get some sleep. Don’t want to leave tomorrow T___T

Don’t be deceived by my happy face and happy pimple, actually very sad one

Bye!

Bye!

Byeeee!

ByEeeEEeeee!

Sitting cross-legged on the floor, he opened my ’secret box’ with the note “it’s a sin to open someone’s thing without the owner’s permission, amen” on it. Inside, there was another smaller box which had almost the same note, “I said, PLEASE do not open without the owner’s humble permission, amen”. I wrote that 5 years ago when I attended the church religiously, hence the amen.

“Yay! My turn to read your old diary and laugh at you!” he said.

Earlier today, I had read his old diary for the umpteenth time and laughed at all his silly childish remarks. “Today my dad bought me the cool Power Rangers poster” or something lame like that hahaha. Anyway, he ended up getting distracted when he saw some colored papers meant for making stars and started folding them instead, leaving me to rummage through my ’secret’s secret box’

An excerpt. I read it out loud.

” 9/5/2005,

This thursday is our 5th month together, 5 months of bliss, love, jealousy, tears, sugar, spice and everything nice =). I’ve never regretted meeting him before. Never regretted risking my safety to meet a stranger at 5 in the morning. He’s truly the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.”

My voice quivered and I reached over to hug him.

You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me too, he said.

Choked in my tears, I continued reading my diary.

“He’s like what? an angel sent from the Mighty Fella up there? Barry would so laugh his arse off if he ever reads this”

Hahahaha! Angel?! mighty fella?! We laughed our arses off.

Distance? Fuck distance. Uncertainties? Fuck uncertainties. We can do this.

Someone please do the honor of killing me now please T_______T cause I’m having the worst period cramp in the whole wide world and I really feel like my life is flashing right before my eyes now. I hate this time of the month cause I always get VERY SUPER DUPER bad cramps, those type that make you stop doing whatever you’ve been doing and feel like you just want to curl up in a corner and die that kind.

Haih I know, take the primrose oil or something but it didn’t work for me! The only thing that worked were the birth control pills but my mom didn’t let me take those anymore so now I’m back to suffering like crazy every month. I used to cry in school because of my cramps (yes they were and still are really that bad!) and not go to school at all. I had a very bad one few months ago and had to curl on my bed and cry softly and shanshan thought I was gonna die wtf

Seriously I hate being a girl lah! (I say the same things every month to anyone who would listen, albeit involuntarily) And the worst part is my cramps are usually 3 days long BEFORE my period, 4 days long DURING my period and nothing after my period la if after period still got that means I get cramps half the month wtf damn sad case that one.

So back to my long tirade on how I hate being a girl. Damn suck right guys will never ever understand our pain ok T__T Whenever I complain to my boyfriend and if I want to make him understand how painful it truly is, I’ll threaten to kick his balls wtf but I swear it hurts more than being kicked in your balls ok! I’ve described this very vividly in my blog before but it was a long time ago so let me paint the picture for you again.

It feels as if like your whole goddamn uterus is gonna fall out piece by piece and you’ll feel this suction or pulling sensation which is not pleasing at all T___T Not only that, you feel as if your uterus is being ripped out AND someone is kicking you from the outside right where your womb is seriously it’s 23952 times more painful than what I just described! If you don’t believe please go take something hard and knock it on your balls and multiply that pain by 10603 and divide by 3 no lah kidding wtf

Everytime when it hurts so bad until I can’t stand it anymore, I’ll go take the pink panadol that is meant for menstrual pain and now it doesn’t work anymore cause my body is used to it. Usually this cramp will hit me in waves one so now I feel it then 10 minutes later I’ll be fine and I won’t know when it’ll be back again (play peekaboo with me T__T) so if I feel it now and take the panadol, it’ll only be effective 10 minutes later which is when the pain will have been subsided anyway! Aiyah anyway it’s a very complicated issue la

And my PMS is the worst thing ever you do not EVER want to make me angry when I’m pms-ing. It’s not that I want to simply use pms as an excuse to my bad behavior wtf but it’s something I (and a lot other women) cannot control ok! It’s like asking guys to not touch a naked girl wtf (good examples wei *pats self) so whenever you get annoyed at your girlfriend who screams at you for no reason please remember this example, that you wouldn’t be able to prevent yourself from touching a hot naked girl anyway.

it’s the same with us ok T_____T except that ours sometimes comes with the unwanted feeling of being punched in the stomach HAIH DAMN SAD TO BE A GIRL LA if you are a guy now please pray that you won’t be reincarnated as a girl la become a hamster in your next life also better can eat your own kid and lifespan only 2 years so you get another shot at being reincarnated as a rich guy! Hamsters damn nice lah everyday just eat kuaci and run on the wheel and be admired by people in pet shop and fornicate with random hamsters wtf and eat your kids and repeat cycle

ok goodnight pain is gone, for now T_T

p.s: eh on second thought i don’t want to be a guy cause they can’t control their hard-ons! i guess i rather get very bad cramps every month than be caught dead with an erection by my crush or GASP MY PARENTS WTF WTF

amidst all that flurry of packing our bedsheets and kettle and books and clothes and winter coats and all that taping up of boxes, writing our names and class, wrapping nice stuff in newspaper so no one will steal them, deciding which tops i should bring back, weighing my luggage, panicking about how everything is too heavy and that we wouldn’t have enough strength to lug them all up to the storage room 34810 miles away…..

heck my first year is over already.

it’s sinking into every part of me clearer than ever now. my first year in college is already over in a blink of an eye and as much as i wanted to just leave this place and just go back home, going back is the last thing i want now. having audrey, angela, shan shan and mild to get me through my first year made me wish to always have them all by my side until i graduate. but the party will be gone soon and there’ll only be the two of us next year.

i feel like i did so much the past year and learned so much, more than i could ever imagine and if i have a chance to do it all over again, i would. i just want to do all this all over again, and again, and never have to move on. i hated this place so much when i first came but i think i’ve grown to really love it. i just really don’t know how to love it as much when most of the people i love here won’t be here anymore. sigh.

this past week really summarized my entire first year. fun. crazy. hectic. fast. emo. happy. sad. too much worrying about nothing. loved. well-fed.
i don’t think i’m too excited about going home yet but i’ll try to be. i know i will be. plane food, in-flight movies, malaysian food, family, friends, jiameei, home, here i come.

–

p.s: i’m so proud of myself! since everyone is busy packing and throwing things out, i found my new favorite hang out place..the trash room wtf. i like to just go down there to see what’s free and yesterday, i collected a grand total of 5 things. free boxes to store my stuff (yay don’t have to buy!), huge sketch book to play pictionary/win lose or draw with (which i think is pretty useless now so i will have to just throw it away =( ), magazines whee!, a dust collector thingy and free bottles of water! yays! anything free is good ok bye

I’ve always been battling with weight issues since I was young. As long as I can remember, I’ve never been thin before (like normal thin or thinner than normal). I’ve always been chubby or fat or slightly meaty and I hate it so much. I hate going to a relative’s house and hear the same old “wah fatter already!” or hear people calling me fat. When I was 12, I had a birthday party in my house and invited all my ‘close’ friends. Before they left, they sat in a circle and sang me a song. It went like this:

Suet li suet li sangat gemuk!! Selalu makan dan jadi semakin gemuk!!

In the tune of the mat kool mat kool kawanku song. I was 12, it was my birthday and I got humiliated by my friends in front of my other relatives. Everyone laughed and so did I but little did anyone know how hurt I was inside. I told myself that I’ll always always remember that day cause one day, I’ll be the thinnest of them all and I can in turn laugh at them back. (failed)

During the holidays when I was 12/13/14, we would stay with our grandparents. My grandma would always make maggi mee for my siblings at night when they were hungry and forbid me from touching any of it. She’d also force me to jump on the trampoline outside the house while watching them slurp their maggi inside T___T sometimes, when everyone was outside playing, she’d make me do the jumping rope thingy and she’d sit there and watch me jump my fats away. I hated trampolines and ropes ever since.

When I was 15, I told myself that I cannot let myself be the butt of all jokes anymore. Guys calling me wildboar was too cruel for me to bear so during the holidays, I willingly tried losing weight. I cycled up and down the hill everyday while singing to my heart’s content, I built a basketball ring and board with wires and wood and practiced my lay up everyday and I even use the dunno what rolling machine that will tone your abs. Then, I went back to school and started a basketball team and joined the school’s track team with one goal: lose as much weight as possible. So in that one year, I lost about 8kg.

Yeah so I’ve always had an issue with my weight. My biggest secret after the one about my imaginary bf is that I’ve always wanted to be anorexic. I wish that I can cut my food up and not eat it, that I’ll be thin as hell and yet still feel fat so nobody will ever say I’m fat anymore. But sadly it never happened. I did try cutting my food to a million pieces but ended up eating everything =.= I tried hardcore exercise but always ate a lot after that so haih plan failed.

I swear I have superpower ok and my power is that I have a stomach made of steel..worst power ever. Aud told me when she gets diarrhea, she’ll lose a lot of weight and I’ve been waiting for the day I get diarrhea but either my stomach is way too strong or even if I do get diarrhea, I don’t lose weight at all. My bro has worms so he’s always thin and I always wish I’m the one with the worms instead but haih worms also lose to my stomach T__T

I’ve tried leftovers, spicy food, dirty food, accidentally ter-ate my nose shit (WTF DON’T ASK) but I will never get diarrhea lor! I only had food poisoning once in my life but I recovered 3 hours after that. When I got the worst fever in my life, I couldn’t eat for a week and yet I didn’t lose any weight.

So anyway why am I talking about all this cause I just found out an orange has 70 calories each T_________________________________________T and I just ate 6 oranges again today seriously I’m destined to never be thin. Yalah I know everyone sure damn unhappy cause I’m complaining even though I don’t look fat but that’s only cause obviously I won’t post unflattering pictures of myself. You have no idea how truly big my tummy is even after all that years of hardcore exercising. And my stupid ribcage and bones are so big until dunno what so I can never have a slim stature ok T_T

The worst thing is today when I finally weighed myself after a month of going to gym 3/4 times a week and eating less, I found out that I gained weight T_____T how is this possible you tell me is someone playing some sort of funny game on me ah! *memories of suet li suet li sangat gemuk and jumping on trampoline flooding back wtf T___T

I give up lah sigh I’ll just do whatever I want and weigh whatever lah I don’t care anymore! This battle with my weight is officially over! *lies to self wtf

I really just wanna be slim is that too much to ask for! I don’t wanna be meaty and yet so flat and have no curves! If meaty and well-endowed and got curves then nevermind la this one all also don’t have got one big lump which is my tummy only sigh.

*anticlimactic ending cause too sleepy already