Sweat Betul

Dear diary,

Today isn’t such a bad day, no it isn’t bad at all. Yesterday was perfectly alright, and the day before yesterday seemed fine too. I don’t know what’s wrong and maybe nothing is wrong at all. Then, why do I keep feeling like something is? Why does that feeling of something is seriously wrong keep tugging at me, keep pulling me away from everything, keep asking me to listen to it? I am now, so tell me what’s wrong?

The whole world is listening now, so tell them what’s wrong.

But it couldn’t. It kept its mouth shut, its hands tied, its words all jumbled in a labyrinth. It is telling me to tell everyone that some things are not just as apparent as they seem. It wants me to tell you that maybe not every problem has a solution and it wants me to tell the whole wide world to just please leave it alone.

But no, I don’t want to leave it alone, diary. It’s killing me inside inch by inch just thinking about it. I know there is a perfect term for it but I just couldn’t seem to pinpoint what exactly. Could it be depression? But why? I am almost perfect if not for my lack of height and size of mammary. I am the luckiest girl I know and I think I have everything I could have ever dreamed of. So why depression?

Maybe it’s not even depression I’m looking for. Maybe it’s something more complicated that scientists and wise men have yet to discover. Maybe it’s nothing at all.

The snow is falling again. The urge is calling again. I want to release myself from this web of intricacies so so bad, diary. One leap is all it takes to be freed from this wheel of life. One small step and the tiniest energy one could muster.

And that’s all it takes to be free again.

But no, wait, what about the hundreds of people who know me? What will they think of an act so selfish and thoughtless? Will they still think of me as the girl they once knew, or will they cringe in shame for this girl lying flat on the pavement? All tangled in her own limbs, not breathing, blood seeping from her wounds into the snow, into the cracks of the floor, dried up forever.But you know, diary, I think lying there like that is not as pathetic or gruesome as people might think it is. Come to think of it, it is really peaceful and serene. Amidst all that whiteness, amidst all that screams of horror, and then there’s me. Me lying face up staring at everyone in the world. Me being enveloped by the snow. It’s my element, do you know that?

Tick tock. I don’t have time to waste anymore.

Goodbye diary. The world is all white and pure now. Let me leave before it turns ugly again.

–

highly fictional.

I’m in my boyfriend’s place now and all is well and dandy. I’m very happy and so is he and we’re all very happy and joyful and we’re now a couple in a bubble full with joy, happiness and everything nice.
I know I’ve said this like a million times but whenever we meet again after months and months of not seeing each other, everything seems so worth it. All that fighting and arguing and slamming the phone and missing each other like crazy seem so freaking worth it for just one moment; the moment we both lay our eyes on each other in the airport, hug, kiss, and all goes well and dandy like that.

It was the same ol’ same ol’ yesterday. Same ol’ jitters and nervousness in the plane (and this time I’m the one who got on the plane! I’m usually the one who receives him at the airport) Same ol’ butterflies in my stomach and toes, same ol’ hair brushing, make-up applying, clothes tugging in a frenzy. I want to look perfect for the one guy I love so much but I guess after not seeing each other for 3 months, everything about us will seem perfect no matter how ugly we look.

I asked him if I gained 15 pounds, would he still pretend I didn’t and not say anything about it? He said No, he’ll walk away and tell his host dad that he didn’t see me and they should go back immediately =.= I guess we won’t be thaaat perfect after all wtf. But anyway all is well cause I didn’t gain 15 pounds and he didn’t get uglier wtf.

Seriously, I loveeee how it feels. The first kiss, the first hug, the first everything. I love how time seems to stop to accommodate these two crazy people who are so so in love with each other. I love how we cherish every single moment now cause after 1 week, it’ll all be gone and we have to go through all that arguing, missing each other and phone slamming again. This week is our week and no one’s gonna say no to that. We’re gonna act as love sick as we want. We’re gonna be the love-sickest puppies you’ve ever seen. We’re gonna look as if we just got together and we are NOT gonna argue.

We already held pinkies to that promise.